Do you remember the first time you didn’t do something?
I mean, you walked away or ran or hid? I remember deciding I never wanted to act again, after messing up a line in a grade 5 french class play. NOT because I messed up, not because my class mates laughed, but because the teacher not only laughed in a cruel way, but brought it up multiple times, drawing attention to me and my fail, over and over. That never left me.
The actual mistake, in hindsight was funny, but as a very sensitive, shy, new to the school, kid and having that unwanted ‘attention’, did damage.
The play was a modern take on Cinderella, and I had the role of Cinderella!! I was really proud of it. The line in question was about putting the dishes in the dishwasher and clothes in the washing machine… I but the clothes in the dishwasher and dishes in the washing machine. facepalm moment.
See? It never left me. That silly moment impacted so much of my life and compounded with other situations as I grew older added to my paranoid anxiety. My fear of judgement, of being looked at and laughed at.
I’m dwelling on this all at the moment because I’m tripping and falling a bit at the moment, and for the last few weeks I’ve been hiding.
BUT THEN I REMEMBERED! I remembered how good I felt when I posted my first blog blah blahs. Just get it out, own it, move on.
So, I’m doing that, I’m struggling, the carb cravings are really rough at the moment. I’m not sure why. But I’m owning this all, I’m going to ask for help, and I’m going to pick myself up and carry on forward. I want to be healthier, happier and join life again.
If you have any cringe moments to share, share away! It honestly is freeing to not have the thought of it being found out hanging over you. Own it, admit it and go forward!
As always, I’d love to hear from you all, in the comments, or email me if you’re not ready to blah blah into the void!