Sense and Sensitivity

Do you remember the first time you didn’t do something?

I mean, you walked away or ran or hid? I remember deciding I never wanted to act again, after messing up a line in a grade 5 french class play. NOT because I messed up, not because my class mates laughed, but because the teacher not only laughed in a cruel way, but brought it up multiple times, drawing attention to me and my fail, over and over. That never left me.

The actual mistake, in hindsight was funny, but as a very sensitive, shy, new to the school, kid and having that unwanted ‘attention’, did damage.

The play was a modern take on Cinderella, and I had the role of Cinderella!! I was really proud of it. The line in question was about putting the dishes in the dishwasher and clothes in the washing machine… I but the clothes in the dishwasher and dishes in the washing machine. facepalm moment.

See? It never left me. That silly moment impacted so much of my life and compounded with other situations as I grew older added to my paranoid anxiety. My fear of judgement, of being looked at and laughed at.

I’m dwelling on this all at the moment because I’m tripping and falling a bit at the moment, and for the last few weeks I’ve been hiding.

BUT THEN I REMEMBERED! I remembered how good I felt when I posted my first blog blah blahs. Just get it out, own it, move on.

So, I’m doing that, I’m struggling, the carb cravings are really rough at the moment. I’m not sure why. But I’m owning this all, I’m going to ask for help, and I’m going to pick myself up and carry on forward. I want to be healthier, happier and join life again.

If you have any cringe moments to share, share away! It honestly is freeing to not have the thought of it being found out hanging over you. Own it, admit it and go forward!

As always, I’d love to hear from you all, in the comments, or email me if you’re not ready to blah blah into the void!

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At 51, I stopped. Stopped with excuses. This blog will be both my public accountability as well as my way of sharing as I learn. Come join the journey, either as a witness or fellow participant!

6 thoughts on “Sense and Sensitivity

  1. We all have those cringe moments, and for sensitive souls the humiliation inherent in that moment never leaves. To this day I can’t watch movies or tv that shows people being humiliated. Some find it funny, I find it both cruel and painful. We had a mutual friend in high school that thought it was outrageously funny to humiliate me, usually in private. It took a LOT of years to realise that it was her pain and baggage using me as a punching bad. Now I just feel sorry for her, but those scars remain. (Ironically, that was the only thing my mother got right in those days, she said that this person wasn’t a friend and at almost 51 I can acknowledge she was right).

    So, you’re going through a rough patch. First off, congratulations! You’ve acknowledged it’s a moment in time, you’ve been brave and posted your feels here (bet it felt good just to hit the button to put your thoughts out into the ether!). Now the bad news, you’re still human. The carb cravings are the little baby soul trying to sabotage your hard work, because you don’t believe what amazing things you’ve accomplished to date are worth to be claimed as YOURS!

    Walk proud babe but be nice to yourself in this moment. Not “eat a package of Oreos” nice, but it’s autumn up there. Go walk amongst the trees and breathe the air. Take a moment to just be. Meditate, be mindful and be kind. This too shall pass.

    Hugs from down under

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can’t watch those types of movies/ tv either! So much went on behind the scenes with all of us back then. High school was full of things that made me walk away from the life I wanted. I have years of missing memories, I’ll remember people, but nothing about how I knew them. I’m trying to take away the power that these things have over me, 1 moment at a time, so yes, I will listen to you and be nice to myself. Thankfully there are no Oreos in the house ! ❤


  2. just stumbling in; my life looking back recently has been a slew of cringe moments. i’m fresh out of a two month recovery program after spiraling my life out of control and delving hard into drinking heavily. coming out with a fresh perspective has left me with a lot of thinking about the past.

    i ran and hid a lot, mostly from helping myself. i remember things i said while under the influence, property i’ve inadvertently damaged, all the way down to the drinks i’ve knocked over and the looks people have given me. cringe. it was all cringe. luckily the only person i ever hurt was myself in the end. i myself am tripping and falling a little but much less than before (figuratively and literally, haha).

    i’m fighting off the growing tree of anxious memories that’s sprouted from these last couple months of clear thinking. our biggest critic is ourselves, they say. once i learn to forgive myself i can move forward with lesser awkward stumbles… hope so.

    thanks for writing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Stumble away! I think the hardest part for me from your post here would be getting past the ‘past’. I used to just stop talking, hide, remove myself from people and places. Recently I did something that I’d wanted to do forever. I apologized for a situation that had hung over me for decades and in doing so felt such a weight disappear and also found out the other person had been struggling with the same memory from their side.

      So, head up, keep heading towards where you want to be, that line on the horizon. Stumbles, falls and fails can still get you closer if you keep facing the right direction! ❤ thank you for sharing!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I love this! I remember when I was in 3rd grade my mom took me out of catholic school and put me in public. I didn’t know anyone, but was invited to a birthday party where everyone was told not to talk to me. It was horrible and the girl was a bully. I will never forget that! It’s horrible that a teacher did that to you! So sorry. I hope now that you wrote it, you feel better!! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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