Failure, Reality and the Back in the Saddle Feeling

Last night, for whatever reason, I felt overly emotional, I did something stupid and ate a blueberry muffin. Yep. between the sugars and carbs and all the nasty chemicals in the mass made cake, I managed to make myself feel like a failure… for about 10 minutes.

For those new to my rants, raves and musings, I am on a journey to better health, following a TRE 19:5 schedule with LCHF – lazy keto diet.

Then I looked at myself in the mirror and started listing everything about me and my journey so far, that would forever outweigh some stupid muffin.

  1. I feel good being me
  2. I’ve lost 26 lbs
  3. My blood sugars are down!!
  4. My blood pressure is all within normal range
  5. My clothes fit better and are smaller
  6. I’m not ashamed to go places and be seen
  7. I have blue hair !! Yes I know this is the best one yet!!

So why did I eat the muffin? 4 hours after my last meal? Emotions. I was on a high having dyed my hair a lovely blue, then BAM all it took was my mom innocently saying she didn’t like it and I felt crushed. The entire time my brain was arguing with me about it, I ranted at how I needed to NOT care what others, including mom thought. Yet I still went to the front room, opened the package and ate that muffin. In the long run, it won’t even be a blip, but right now, it feels like I not only fell off the horse, but fell down the side of the canyon and landed right where I started.

Silly right? yet that’s how it feels. Logically I know I didn’t gain 26 lbs back, maybe 1 or 2. Logically I know I still fit into the smaller better fitting clothes. In fact the only change from the above list, would be #1 – feeling good to be me.

So this morning, I kicked my own self-loathing ass to the curb, climbed back in that saddle and started the day like any other. Black coffee, blood pressure – check! blood sugar – a bit high, but not ‘OMG I’M DOOMED‘ high. Weight – blah, yup reads up 2 lbs.

I’m finished writing this now, because I’m putting it behind me, I will learn and make other mistakes, but am determined to keep going forward.

One last update though, in the sunlight this morning, mom decided she actually does like the blue… lol Ah life, you sure love curve balls.

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That 1 lb Made a World of Difference

Today is a special milestone day for me.


According to the ‘world’ my BMI went from ‘severely or morbidly’ obese to just obese! I started this journey with a BMI of 43.9. Today it reached the first magic invisible border of 39.9.
I know that means nothing to anyone else, but to me, having been as heavy as I am for decades? this is proof I’m doing what’s right for me, that I a have finally found the way I need to be to help my body heal and get healthy.
So when I stood on the scale this morning and it lit up with 218 lbs. My insides got the biggest proudest butterflies!

I also have a big step that is playing on my mind a lot lately. When I do post my blog for actual people in m life to be able to see? I know, you’re thinking, but it’s already public?? Yes, I write this to yell out into the void in an effort to find like minded people and maybe help someone else who is struggling, but the idea of pointedly saying to friends and family, “Hi, this is me, with all my lumps, bumps and flaws, please still love and support me?” Yeah, that’s a tough one.

For decades I’ve hid my depression (quite well) from everyone. I was always ‘happy’ laughing and what have you. The reality? I heard the remarks, however innocent they may have been, and took them all to heart. I was afraid to give anyone the opportunity to whisper behind my back. So I dealt with it by cutting myself off, not participating and growing bigger and more depressed as time went on.

I’m working at voicing and expunging these hurtful memories, one at a time and one day hope to be rid of their influence and be the me I dream of.

If you’re on a journey of your own, I’d love to hear about it! please comment below or link your own blog for myself or others to check out!

Thank you to my lovely support group, followers and readers! I need to share this stuff and love you all very much!

Food Relationships and things I’ve noticed

This whole journey started because I wanted to not end up in the hospital or worse.

I think it was the best kick in the butt I’ve ever received! The benefits from food or avoidance of, have been eye opening for me so far.

Hardest part for me personally was giving up carbs, not sugars or sweet things, but yummy pasta, rice and startchy veggies! gimme them potatoes!!

I am hopeful that in the long run I will be able to enjoy them on special occasions if I chose. But having given them up, the benefits obtained so far outweigh any craving I may have felt at the beginning!

So a brief outline of what my current choice for eating is: Lots of fresh veggies colours everywhere!! but I avoid any grown underground at the moment ( starches) Fresh cuts of meat – Steaks, chicken, pork, fish , some other meats as long as the carb count is low. such as bacon or sausage, Low Carb / sugar dairy products, nuts and seeds. Plenty of choices, loads of meal options and other than keeping carbs low at 20g total per day, I don’t count anything.

I eat 2 meals a day, one at 11ish and the other at 4pm and I don’t snack at all. I’m never hungry during the ‘fasting’ hours as I eat enough during the 2 meals.

So now on to the best part!! the benefits!

  1. I am losing weight. (23 lbs so far this month)
  2. I wake up full of energy and find myself looking for an exercise to do to use some up!
  3. My mood swings and anxiety are at low to 0 now. I’m off my Paxil and my confidence is growing.
  4. My brown spots (liver spots as they’re sometimes called) have faded to almost unnoticeable.
  5. A few old scars have faded, especially the ones I had on my hands.
  6. My headaches are a thing of the past, even if I feel one coming, I put a small piece of pink salt under my tongue and that’s it.
  7. I feel positive about every day and look forward to trying new things and seeing new places.

I know things happen at different paces for different people and I am grateful that in the last month and a bit I have benefited so much.

Hope you are all enjoying life, or working on getting there!

Happily Happy with one less pill!

Earlier this year I was put on a ‘happy pill’ to help with my anxiety and depression. My situation of being isolated by helping out with my Mom ( Parkinson’s Disease) and my Dad and his memory issues and becoming panicked at the idea of being looked at or judged over my slowly expanding self.

Today when I saw my doctor, after 10 min of general catching up and reviewing my official 10 Kg (22 lbs probably 80 more to go) lost and my over all change in energy levels and confidence, she suggested that I could probably stop taking that little yellow pill.

I’m most hopeful that this will be a medication in my history now. I told her I would stop for 2 weeks and make notes on any changes. (not quite ready to give up the security blanket.)

Everyone is so different on their reactions with foods, everyone has their demons. I’m hopeful that my Diabetes Hellhound and my Cholesterol Daedra will be following the ‘happy little pill’ into my drug history too!

I am thankful at having the opportunity to change my life, grow into a new me and hopefully gain extra years in the journey too. The knowledge I was given to start and the path it’s taking me along have been just the push I needed .

So many things in life I dreamed of trying are starting to look like they might be reality, my bucket list is growing by the page lately! Old hobbies are on my radar again!

I hope you all are enjoying something in life, it makes all the other stuff so much more bareable.

Slow and Steady

They say slow and steady wins the race. Something I believe, but I need to work on my patience! I want it to be 3 months from now already so I can see how far I’ve gotten. So now I am working on teaching myself to appreciate where I am one day at a time.

Yesterday I was on a high, The scale had moved, I hit my first 20 lb loss!! clothes were fitting so much better and I felt terrific. I think I pushed it by including some berries in my meal plan along with a new pre-marinated chicken for my last meal of the day though. Today I’m puffy faced and I went back to bed at 6:00 am and slept another 3 hours. When I got up I felt sluggish and terrible. My blood sugars were 5.2. The thing is, I’m so much more in tune to what my body is saying that after a short rant, self hate session and a small slide into guilt, I bucked up and told myself to move on, it happened, learn from it!

Today I will clean eat, nothing outside of my main food choices and see how that feels tomorrow. My body is healing from decades of abuse, I need to help it.

I had a great NSV this morning after the whole woe is me thing, I fixed my slipper without having to sit! I just lifted my foot, didn’t fall over, fixed the heel and then as I put my foot back down realized how amazing that little thing felt!

Today I am going to try watch a few beginner yoga videos and give that a go. I know I need structure and routine so I’m hoping it will be something I can slot in to my day.

Hope Everyone out there is appreciating themselves and enjoying their day!

Struggle, Wrestle, Win that bout!

Hello Everyone out there!

My mind is on Motivation, Will-power and over all success today. Most people are not 100% able to follow new ‘diet’ changes, especially if it means cutting out foods you love, permanent or temporary, it’s hard to tell the cravings what to do sometimes!! Remember every step is one step further than you were before!

So I wanted to visit this topic for myself.

I love pizza, I also know I can’t just have 1 slice and be done. So I have locked that food into my “No can do” box. BUT I have a promise to myself that if I stick to my plan, achieve my goals, I will reward myself.

The more I delve into my health choices, the more I realize that as long as you retain what you know and live it, the more habit it becomes. So eating right, exercising and general taking care of my mind, body and spirit (soul) will be the norm.

I’ve started finding non-food rewards more pleasurable. I’d prefer a soak in the tub with a new scented bath bomb, over any candy. (Confession – I don’t really have a sweet tooth, so was a bit easier for me and I fit better in the tub now, so it’s definitely not just a reward, but an NSV too!)

The other thing I do is journal daily for Blood pressure, blood sugars, weight, foods eaten, times and exercise done. There are multiple reasons I do this, to keep myself in check, to be able to discover and identify any foods that don’t react well with my body, and also to track results. It’s very motivating to see a steady, even if slow, fall in weight, or blood sugars.

I don’t give the weight thing as much regard as I do measurements though. The changes in inches, sizes of clothes and overall feeling of being able to reach a little farther, or bend to pick something up with no effort, the NSVs (Non-Scale Victories) are way more motivating.

The other and last but not least muse I want to share today is that nothing is a failure or cheat. If you ‘fall off the wagon’ don’t look at it as failure, look at it as a lesson on what triggered the fall, and make plans on how to avoid that in the future. Life happens, you have to cope in a way that works for you, but maybe instead of eating the sugary stuff, comfort yourself with something a bit healthier.

Remember, starting over is easier mentally if you walk in with your mind set to knowing it’s done it before, it can do it again!

Take care of you. You should be your #1 fan and biggest supporter.

Revelations, Reality and the Stall

Hi everyone!

This week has been very much about healing, experimenting and learning. I’ve been focusing on listening to what my body tells me as I try adding new foods to my menu.

First I have to admit, I found a veggie I really don’t like. It wasn’t the taste, so much as the texture. The Eggplant! Maybe one day I’ll find a recipe that makes it palatable for me.

My weight hasn’t moved this week, but that’s to be expected, my body has a lot of healing to do and I’ve noticed NSVs that far outweigh (no pun intended!) any Scale drops. clothes fit a little loser, the horrible taste in my mouth is gone and my finger nails are growing in stronger now. There is also the skin miracles for me! my skin is smooth, clearer and old small scars and brown spots are fading. Also leg and arm muscles are starting to show through the fatty areas.

I’m exercising daily, first thing in the morning and all my pent up extra energy seems to benefit from that too.

THE BEST PART to me is the positivity I feel about things. I’m excited to go places and do things! My Bucket List of things the fat old lady me, plans on doing are all way more probable now. I’m not ashamed of who I am.

I have also done a reality check and will tone down my expectations on exercises. I want to learn Yoga next for stretching, flexibility and relaxation. I am researching rather than just seeing something and picking my ‘cool’ factor. That will all come later. For now I need to heal my mind and body and work my way into the HIIT and strenuous exercises.

I am also going into schooling this fall with an open mind. The way of life I have chosen feels right to me and so far has been very positive! Learning Natural Nutrition with ‘daily nutritional government standards’ might not fully support my choices, but it doesn’t mean it can’t be applied. I want to learn everything I can about nutrition for not just physical positives, but also for the mental health and well being. To heal, one must balance the mind, body and soul.

The end goal for me isn’t necessarily about weight, it’s about making friends with my body and feeling good about my life.