Sense and Sensitivity

Do you remember the first time you didn’t do something?

I mean, you walked away or ran or hid? I remember deciding I never wanted to act again, after messing up a line in a grade 5 french class play. NOT because I messed up, not because my class mates laughed, but because the teacher not only laughed in a cruel way, but brought it up multiple times, drawing attention to me and my fail, over and over. That never left me.

The actual mistake, in hindsight was funny, but as a very sensitive, shy, new to the school, kid and having that unwanted ‘attention’, did damage.

The play was a modern take on Cinderella, and I had the role of Cinderella!! I was really proud of it. The line in question was about putting the dishes in the dishwasher and clothes in the washing machine… I but the clothes in the dishwasher and dishes in the washing machine. facepalm moment.

See? It never left me. That silly moment impacted so much of my life and compounded with other situations as I grew older added to my paranoid anxiety. My fear of judgement, of being looked at and laughed at.

I’m dwelling on this all at the moment because I’m tripping and falling a bit at the moment, and for the last few weeks I’ve been hiding.

BUT THEN I REMEMBERED! I remembered how good I felt when I posted my first blog blah blahs. Just get it out, own it, move on.

So, I’m doing that, I’m struggling, the carb cravings are really rough at the moment. I’m not sure why. But I’m owning this all, I’m going to ask for help, and I’m going to pick myself up and carry on forward. I want to be healthier, happier and join life again.

If you have any cringe moments to share, share away! It honestly is freeing to not have the thought of it being found out hanging over you. Own it, admit it and go forward!

As always, I’d love to hear from you all, in the comments, or email me if you’re not ready to blah blah into the void!

Advertisements

Beginnings, Endings and the Lovely Journey In Between!

Long Weekend Monday ! Hope you are all making the most of it !

This week has a lot in it for me. I’m hopeful and anxious (in a good way) looking forward to getting it all started! Last week was rough, I found myself eating emotionally, a slight ‘hiccup’ in my new WOL. I was upset about a few things and found myself eating out of frustration, and being down enough to not care at the time. Life is like that though, ups and downs. The key though is to not dwell on it, just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get right back up on that pony!


Tomorrow I have an appointment with my GP to review my blood tests and show her my Dexa Scan. I’m hopeful that she’ll be as happy with my results in just 2 months as I am! I’m also hopeful this will be the ENDING for some medications.

Thursday I will be going for my annual eye exam, I’ve noticed a few subtle changes in my sight, I’m hopeful there is nothing wrong though!

Also, Thursday is the BEGINNING of a new journey as I start back to school. You may remember me posting previously about wanting to go back to school to study nutrition, well I start on Thursday! I’ll have homework assignments and reading to do and I’m excited to get it all started!! This topic will be a series of posts as I walk this path in my LOVELY JOURNEY, I’ll share what I can, so if you have any questions, comment away, or PM me!

Just a quick note on Saturday Sept 14 I’m going to attend the Vaughan Keto Expo https://vaughanketoexpo.com/ . (If you’re in the Toronto / GTA you might want to take a look too!) I look forward to these events as a learning opportunity. Yes, there are some snake oil salesmen in every walk of life, but for the most part, the Keto and or LCHF communities are very helpful and informative.

Sink or Swim. Maybe Just Dip In That Toe, Test the Waters!

A lot of rambling to be done. To start off, I have taken a lot of baby steps this week.

  1. Posting my blog to Facebook where family and friends would see it,
  2. Going out to an event, on my own, and not backing out
  3. Meeting up 2 nights in a row with friends and trying to stay calm.

I want to say I was happy and proud of all of this!

But there was a cost.

My social anxiety is messing with me. I’ve started down the road to trying to become social again and heal.. but…

Still have a lot of anxiety over people. I’m hoping to fight it one ‘person’ at a time. I’m not ready for any real crowds, just a few of us together on Saturday night wore me out mentally. Sunday felt like I’d been playing chicken with a truck and lost, over and over.

My blood pressure went up ( still not down enough for my liking) and my blood sugars are out of wack. No carbs ingested so I’m going with stress induced insulin spike. Water retention too. I’m like the Staypuff Marshmallow Man right now. My weight went up again to 215 lbs, but I’m ignoring that, it will go back down again.

The situation wasn’t even stressful, just high school friends.

Physically I’m reacting to not being ready emotionally… it’s eye opening when you pay attention.

Bottom line, I have a long way to go, mentally and physically, but I know I have the tools and support to do it.

Take That Jump! Facing My Fears, One at a Time.

Fridays have always been magical to me. End of a week, day to recap and tabulate my achievements.

The last couple of weeks have been fixated on fears, fear of heights for instance, and my promise to myself to, at the very least, try indoor skydiving when I get down below 180 lbs.

But the one Fear that consumes my thoughts daily? The fear of just being me, and not worrying what others will think or say.

My first step, baby one at that, was to admit all of my weight issues, my mental health issues and fears, to a small supportive group. They’ve been my best support since I started this journey, and I love them all more than anything!

This blog was my next and first stepping stone publicly. Total strangers getting to know who and what I am. But easier by far to the next step that this blog post will take me to. Posting to Facebook, exposing my flaws and my vulnerable side to people I know.

My thoughts on this have been scary. People who have judged me in the past, will be pointed to and able to see these things. People who are fake in their ‘friendship’ will crawl out from under their rocks, with negativity, gossip and vile trolling.

Here’s the thing, at this point I have realized none of that matters. The only true point is how I feel and what I think.

The changes I’ve made and the benefits I’m receiving so far, have far out weighed any negativity anyone can throw at me. So to those who are so miserable themselves, I say:

BRING IT ON! or if you really are that miserable, message me, I’m more than willing to help you get there too. I am not holding grudges, they only do damage to me and I’m done with all that self-harm crap.

It’s no quick fix, it’s a change in way of life. I spent decades damaging my mind and body, I’m pretty sure I can invest the time needed for both to heal.

That 1 lb Made a World of Difference

Today is a special milestone day for me.


According to the ‘world’ my BMI went from ‘severely or morbidly’ obese to just obese! I started this journey with a BMI of 43.9. Today it reached the first magic invisible border of 39.9.
I know that means nothing to anyone else, but to me, having been as heavy as I am for decades? this is proof I’m doing what’s right for me, that I a have finally found the way I need to be to help my body heal and get healthy.
So when I stood on the scale this morning and it lit up with 218 lbs. My insides got the biggest proudest butterflies!

I also have a big step that is playing on my mind a lot lately. When I do post my blog for actual people in m life to be able to see? I know, you’re thinking, but it’s already public?? Yes, I write this to yell out into the void in an effort to find like minded people and maybe help someone else who is struggling, but the idea of pointedly saying to friends and family, “Hi, this is me, with all my lumps, bumps and flaws, please still love and support me?” Yeah, that’s a tough one.

For decades I’ve hid my depression (quite well) from everyone. I was always ‘happy’ laughing and what have you. The reality? I heard the remarks, however innocent they may have been, and took them all to heart. I was afraid to give anyone the opportunity to whisper behind my back. So I dealt with it by cutting myself off, not participating and growing bigger and more depressed as time went on.

I’m working at voicing and expunging these hurtful memories, one at a time and one day hope to be rid of their influence and be the me I dream of.

If you’re on a journey of your own, I’d love to hear about it! please comment below or link your own blog for myself or others to check out!

Thank you to my lovely support group, followers and readers! I need to share this stuff and love you all very much!

Food Relationships and things I’ve noticed

This whole journey started because I wanted to not end up in the hospital or worse.

I think it was the best kick in the butt I’ve ever received! The benefits from food or avoidance of, have been eye opening for me so far.

Hardest part for me personally was giving up carbs, not sugars or sweet things, but yummy pasta, rice and startchy veggies! gimme them potatoes!!

I am hopeful that in the long run I will be able to enjoy them on special occasions if I chose. But having given them up, the benefits obtained so far outweigh any craving I may have felt at the beginning!

So a brief outline of what my current choice for eating is: Lots of fresh veggies colours everywhere!! but I avoid any grown underground at the moment ( starches) Fresh cuts of meat – Steaks, chicken, pork, fish , some other meats as long as the carb count is low. such as bacon or sausage, Low Carb / sugar dairy products, nuts and seeds. Plenty of choices, loads of meal options and other than keeping carbs low at 20g total per day, I don’t count anything.

I eat 2 meals a day, one at 11ish and the other at 4pm and I don’t snack at all. I’m never hungry during the ‘fasting’ hours as I eat enough during the 2 meals.

So now on to the best part!! the benefits!

  1. I am losing weight. (23 lbs so far this month)
  2. I wake up full of energy and find myself looking for an exercise to do to use some up!
  3. My mood swings and anxiety are at low to 0 now. I’m off my Paxil and my confidence is growing.
  4. My brown spots (liver spots as they’re sometimes called) have faded to almost unnoticeable.
  5. A few old scars have faded, especially the ones I had on my hands.
  6. My headaches are a thing of the past, even if I feel one coming, I put a small piece of pink salt under my tongue and that’s it.
  7. I feel positive about every day and look forward to trying new things and seeing new places.

I know things happen at different paces for different people and I am grateful that in the last month and a bit I have benefited so much.

Hope you are all enjoying life, or working on getting there!

Struggle, Wrestle, Win that bout!

Hello Everyone out there!

My mind is on Motivation, Will-power and over all success today. Most people are not 100% able to follow new ‘diet’ changes, especially if it means cutting out foods you love, permanent or temporary, it’s hard to tell the cravings what to do sometimes!! Remember every step is one step further than you were before!

So I wanted to visit this topic for myself.

I love pizza, I also know I can’t just have 1 slice and be done. So I have locked that food into my “No can do” box. BUT I have a promise to myself that if I stick to my plan, achieve my goals, I will reward myself.

The more I delve into my health choices, the more I realize that as long as you retain what you know and live it, the more habit it becomes. So eating right, exercising and general taking care of my mind, body and spirit (soul) will be the norm.

I’ve started finding non-food rewards more pleasurable. I’d prefer a soak in the tub with a new scented bath bomb, over any candy. (Confession – I don’t really have a sweet tooth, so was a bit easier for me and I fit better in the tub now, so it’s definitely not just a reward, but an NSV too!)

The other thing I do is journal daily for Blood pressure, blood sugars, weight, foods eaten, times and exercise done. There are multiple reasons I do this, to keep myself in check, to be able to discover and identify any foods that don’t react well with my body, and also to track results. It’s very motivating to see a steady, even if slow, fall in weight, or blood sugars.

I don’t give the weight thing as much regard as I do measurements though. The changes in inches, sizes of clothes and overall feeling of being able to reach a little farther, or bend to pick something up with no effort, the NSVs (Non-Scale Victories) are way more motivating.

The other and last but not least muse I want to share today is that nothing is a failure or cheat. If you ‘fall off the wagon’ don’t look at it as failure, look at it as a lesson on what triggered the fall, and make plans on how to avoid that in the future. Life happens, you have to cope in a way that works for you, but maybe instead of eating the sugary stuff, comfort yourself with something a bit healthier.

Remember, starting over is easier mentally if you walk in with your mind set to knowing it’s done it before, it can do it again!

Take care of you. You should be your #1 fan and biggest supporter.