Sense and Sensitivity

Do you remember the first time you didn’t do something?

I mean, you walked away or ran or hid? I remember deciding I never wanted to act again, after messing up a line in a grade 5 french class play. NOT because I messed up, not because my class mates laughed, but because the teacher not only laughed in a cruel way, but brought it up multiple times, drawing attention to me and my fail, over and over. That never left me.

The actual mistake, in hindsight was funny, but as a very sensitive, shy, new to the school, kid and having that unwanted ‘attention’, did damage.

The play was a modern take on Cinderella, and I had the role of Cinderella!! I was really proud of it. The line in question was about putting the dishes in the dishwasher and clothes in the washing machine… I but the clothes in the dishwasher and dishes in the washing machine. facepalm moment.

See? It never left me. That silly moment impacted so much of my life and compounded with other situations as I grew older added to my paranoid anxiety. My fear of judgement, of being looked at and laughed at.

I’m dwelling on this all at the moment because I’m tripping and falling a bit at the moment, and for the last few weeks I’ve been hiding.

BUT THEN I REMEMBERED! I remembered how good I felt when I posted my first blog blah blahs. Just get it out, own it, move on.

So, I’m doing that, I’m struggling, the carb cravings are really rough at the moment. I’m not sure why. But I’m owning this all, I’m going to ask for help, and I’m going to pick myself up and carry on forward. I want to be healthier, happier and join life again.

If you have any cringe moments to share, share away! It honestly is freeing to not have the thought of it being found out hanging over you. Own it, admit it and go forward!

As always, I’d love to hear from you all, in the comments, or email me if you’re not ready to blah blah into the void!

Advertisements

Beginnings, Endings and the Lovely Journey In Between!

Long Weekend Monday ! Hope you are all making the most of it !

This week has a lot in it for me. I’m hopeful and anxious (in a good way) looking forward to getting it all started! Last week was rough, I found myself eating emotionally, a slight ‘hiccup’ in my new WOL. I was upset about a few things and found myself eating out of frustration, and being down enough to not care at the time. Life is like that though, ups and downs. The key though is to not dwell on it, just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get right back up on that pony!


Tomorrow I have an appointment with my GP to review my blood tests and show her my Dexa Scan. I’m hopeful that she’ll be as happy with my results in just 2 months as I am! I’m also hopeful this will be the ENDING for some medications.

Thursday I will be going for my annual eye exam, I’ve noticed a few subtle changes in my sight, I’m hopeful there is nothing wrong though!

Also, Thursday is the BEGINNING of a new journey as I start back to school. You may remember me posting previously about wanting to go back to school to study nutrition, well I start on Thursday! I’ll have homework assignments and reading to do and I’m excited to get it all started!! This topic will be a series of posts as I walk this path in my LOVELY JOURNEY, I’ll share what I can, so if you have any questions, comment away, or PM me!

Just a quick note on Saturday Sept 14 I’m going to attend the Vaughan Keto Expo https://vaughanketoexpo.com/ . (If you’re in the Toronto / GTA you might want to take a look too!) I look forward to these events as a learning opportunity. Yes, there are some snake oil salesmen in every walk of life, but for the most part, the Keto and or LCHF communities are very helpful and informative.

Sink or Swim. Maybe Just Dip In That Toe, Test the Waters!

A lot of rambling to be done. To start off, I have taken a lot of baby steps this week.

  1. Posting my blog to Facebook where family and friends would see it,
  2. Going out to an event, on my own, and not backing out
  3. Meeting up 2 nights in a row with friends and trying to stay calm.

I want to say I was happy and proud of all of this!

But there was a cost.

My social anxiety is messing with me. I’ve started down the road to trying to become social again and heal.. but…

Still have a lot of anxiety over people. I’m hoping to fight it one ‘person’ at a time. I’m not ready for any real crowds, just a few of us together on Saturday night wore me out mentally. Sunday felt like I’d been playing chicken with a truck and lost, over and over.

My blood pressure went up ( still not down enough for my liking) and my blood sugars are out of wack. No carbs ingested so I’m going with stress induced insulin spike. Water retention too. I’m like the Staypuff Marshmallow Man right now. My weight went up again to 215 lbs, but I’m ignoring that, it will go back down again.

The situation wasn’t even stressful, just high school friends.

Physically I’m reacting to not being ready emotionally… it’s eye opening when you pay attention.

Bottom line, I have a long way to go, mentally and physically, but I know I have the tools and support to do it.

Take That Jump! Facing My Fears, One at a Time.

Fridays have always been magical to me. End of a week, day to recap and tabulate my achievements.

The last couple of weeks have been fixated on fears, fear of heights for instance, and my promise to myself to, at the very least, try indoor skydiving when I get down below 180 lbs.

But the one Fear that consumes my thoughts daily? The fear of just being me, and not worrying what others will think or say.

My first step, baby one at that, was to admit all of my weight issues, my mental health issues and fears, to a small supportive group. They’ve been my best support since I started this journey, and I love them all more than anything!

This blog was my next and first stepping stone publicly. Total strangers getting to know who and what I am. But easier by far to the next step that this blog post will take me to. Posting to Facebook, exposing my flaws and my vulnerable side to people I know.

My thoughts on this have been scary. People who have judged me in the past, will be pointed to and able to see these things. People who are fake in their ‘friendship’ will crawl out from under their rocks, with negativity, gossip and vile trolling.

Here’s the thing, at this point I have realized none of that matters. The only true point is how I feel and what I think.

The changes I’ve made and the benefits I’m receiving so far, have far out weighed any negativity anyone can throw at me. So to those who are so miserable themselves, I say:

BRING IT ON! or if you really are that miserable, message me, I’m more than willing to help you get there too. I am not holding grudges, they only do damage to me and I’m done with all that self-harm crap.

It’s no quick fix, it’s a change in way of life. I spent decades damaging my mind and body, I’m pretty sure I can invest the time needed for both to heal.

That 1 lb Made a World of Difference

Today is a special milestone day for me.


According to the ‘world’ my BMI went from ‘severely or morbidly’ obese to just obese! I started this journey with a BMI of 43.9. Today it reached the first magic invisible border of 39.9.
I know that means nothing to anyone else, but to me, having been as heavy as I am for decades? this is proof I’m doing what’s right for me, that I a have finally found the way I need to be to help my body heal and get healthy.
So when I stood on the scale this morning and it lit up with 218 lbs. My insides got the biggest proudest butterflies!

I also have a big step that is playing on my mind a lot lately. When I do post my blog for actual people in m life to be able to see? I know, you’re thinking, but it’s already public?? Yes, I write this to yell out into the void in an effort to find like minded people and maybe help someone else who is struggling, but the idea of pointedly saying to friends and family, “Hi, this is me, with all my lumps, bumps and flaws, please still love and support me?” Yeah, that’s a tough one.

For decades I’ve hid my depression (quite well) from everyone. I was always ‘happy’ laughing and what have you. The reality? I heard the remarks, however innocent they may have been, and took them all to heart. I was afraid to give anyone the opportunity to whisper behind my back. So I dealt with it by cutting myself off, not participating and growing bigger and more depressed as time went on.

I’m working at voicing and expunging these hurtful memories, one at a time and one day hope to be rid of their influence and be the me I dream of.

If you’re on a journey of your own, I’d love to hear about it! please comment below or link your own blog for myself or others to check out!

Thank you to my lovely support group, followers and readers! I need to share this stuff and love you all very much!